I just read a Yahoo news blog about Kirstie Alley. It was going on about how she had gained all the weight she had lost on Jenny Craig and then some. They were quoting her as saying she was surprised after getting back on the scale after being off of it for 15 months that she had gained so much weight.
Okay now let’s get real… I’ve been there. I’ve lost a lot of weight and then gained all the weight back and then some. I didn’t gain the weight back unknowingly. I knew what I was doing to myself. I avoided the scale. I ignored my clothing size changes. When I finally made myself step on the scale I was not surprised at the number that glared back at me. I was disappointed. I was disappointed that I let other things take priority over my well-being. Frustrated that the habits that I had worked so hard to form I had let slip away. Disgusted once again I was back to square one.
After losing a lot of weight and then regaining it, I know have a different perspective of what this journey is going to take this time. I know the journey has to be about more than just the numbers on the scale. I know it’s the habits I was forming that I choose to quit doing that led to my weight gain. I also know that I need to really build a system of accountability and support for myself this time. A system that will build me up and encourage me and also drag me, if need be, back on track if I begin to go off course. So this week I’m really going to ponder the support system that will help me weather the storms in weight loss. If you have any tips or advice in this area I would be appreciative.
This morning I was sitting at our local recreation center watching my 5 year old daughter, Julia, swim laps in the pool. I just sat there and watched thinking how glad I was that she had found something physical that she is passionate about. She is so excited about the prospect of being old enough to do “swim races” and wants to “go backwards” off the diving board. Lord knows she didn’t get that passion and excitement from me. I sat there watching her during her lesson and reflecting on our morning conversation leading up to swim class. As a Mom of two young daughters… I feel so responsible. I want more than anything for them to not struggle with their weight as I have. If I could have one wish it would be that I could spare them the burden of being overweight. So I sat there watching her swim and thinking I really need to lose weight so I can be an active participant with my kids instead of just an observer.
Swimming while it looks and sounds like fun it would take getting into a swim suit in front of people. I’m not there yet. My goal is to be there by the end of the summer. Don’t get me wrong… I don’t have to be at my goal weight by then, but hopefully I will feel confident enough in who I am and where I’m headed and wearing a swim suit will be okay.
Today I weighed in!! Officially at 260.5lbs. This is a lose of 4.5 pounds for the week and I am so excited. It's amazing how once your actually losing it makes it so much easier to keep going. The meal replacement shakes some how start tasting better and the thought of shrinking and losing the fat makes it all seem worth it.
Today was a CRAZY day. We woke up pumped and ready to go to church where my husband and I have been running the preschool children’s ministry program. This makes Sunday a rush of morning. My husband and I get the kiddos ready , scarf breakfast down, and then rush to church to set up our area (Our church is a church plant that is currently meeting in the city high school).
This morning God had other plans for us…. Visitors. Our main floor bathroom had a train of ants coming in the heat vent all the way across the bathroom to my daughter’s lunch pail. We rushed to try and clear them out of the bathroom and spray outside before they made their way into the kitchen too. Aaron and Julia ended up having to leave to get the children’s ministry set up and Sarah and I stayed to finish up and then we headed to church too.
Crazy, unexpected mornings like this fuel my desire to eat. I’m sure it’s an emotional eating thing and I need to come up with a better solution. Of course it doesn’t help that after getting so stressed I headed to church where there always is an overabundance of food. Generally none of the food is healthy, today was no exception. Today it was pastries and juice before service and barbeque pork sandwiches, chips, and marshmallow/ fruit salad for lunch after the service. I was available to avoid the pastries and juice before service, but I didn’t have time to pack an alternate lunch for after the service so I had a bag of BBQ potato chips and a BBQ pork sandwich.
Dinner this evening was Chinese food from the local grocery store. This was definitely not what I had planned. It was good but it was definitely stress eating. Tomorrow I really need to work hard at making healthy choices and staying away from the fast food. I just need to take this one meal at a time. I have a tendency to blow it for one meal and then figure I’ve blown it for the day so I just keep eating. This is a habit I have to break if I want to have success long term.
263 pounds is wearing me down. With each added pound of fat I feel this shame, humilitian, and inability to move and breathe literally weighing me down. It's funny because I remember as I was growing up I was always overweight but I trully didn't care what others thought of me. I was feisty, independent, and driven. I knew what I wanted out of life and I was going to get it. Wow... what I would give to have that Jenny back. No matter how I got so lost, I have to find myself again.
I've said I'm going to lose weight a million times... but really doing it....that's another thing entirely. So I guess am changing my focus. I want to find the "Jenny" I used to be. The "Jenny" I've been smothering with excess weight and emotional baggage. I know she's trapped inside of me pounding on the walls of fat.
I've always been a planner, follow through on the other hand is not always my strong suit. I'm hoping that this blog can help me keep accountable. I also hope that my journey to finding the "me" I used to be can be an inspiration to others.
